Quick update

I'm trying to avoid the computer a little more now a days and give my boys my undivided attention. But I am also neglecting all who read our blog so here's just a short update.

Two weekends ago, we had Colton's third birthday party. That's right, I said 3!!!!! When they say, "they grow up so fast" they really mean "they grow up TOO fast." When did my baby become a little boy?!?!?! Feels like he was just born the other day on Mother's day, May 13th 2007. Did I miss something? (Hence the letting go of the computer.....don't want to miss something.) I once again, felt teary-eyed as I watched him blow out his candles like a pro.....like he's been doing this forever and thought to myself "will I ever get use to this?" Will I ever get use to that harsh reality that we gotta let our kids grow up? But for now, absolutely not. I'm still going to cradle him in my arms, smother him with too many kisses, spread the news on his newest accomplishments, sing him to bed, dry his tears for him, tickle his toes, and carry my first born around in my heart until he's 85.

I didn't know being a mom would be this emotionally difficult. I didn't know each day would leave a little aching burn in my heart knowing that they're growing up. I mean my word, Randall and I are already preparing for the agony of an empty-nest (I know, a little premature). But I definitely don't want to be caught off guard.

And yesterday we went over to my Uncle Cecil's ranch for my Gaige's 4th birthday party. And once again, I had that weird tingling in my chest. Chase was running on the slip-and-slide like a champ, with his board shorts on, shirt off, and his scars shining in all their glory. And you know the only thing I could think of was how "normal" he was. When did he get strong enough and big enough to play with the big kids in the spraying water?? Better yet, when did he get too big to need his momma anymore?? He was running around smiling, laughing at the older kids as they threw water balloons at each other. And my eyes kept creeping back to his scars....like I can't let it go. Which I don't see why not, he's obviously let it go. But I think it was more pride this time. Not fear that something might happen and I'd have to come to his rescue, but just pure, bone-chilling pride in my strong, STRONG son. And once again, I could feel the water building up behind my eyelids, except it was really hard to control this time. I don't think I'm ever going to get us to this. I think I'm just going to have to ask my kids to get use to mommy's crying because it's just going to happen whether they like it or not.

That and I couldn't let everyone else see me cry. I mean, it was a Howell gathering!!! I never would have lived that one down. My "big brother" (which is the best way I can describe him) Brett would have gotten all over me if I started crying. But the worst part would have been when he would give me that reassuring hug later on when nobody was looking like he has done on numerous occassions, cause that's just what he does. That's what really would have gotten me. I would have needed a paper sack then. How thankful I am for so many of those times when he held me up. Hence "big brother." Hopefully he won't read this or I'll be in big trouble for sharing with the world his softer side :)!

I am one "blessed beyond all measure" girl. So for now I'm going to bid you all farewell until the next time I'll steal some time to be on the computer. But don't hold your breath. I have to go play with some very grown up boys!!!