I'm trying to avoid the computer a little more now a days and give my boys my undivided attention. But I am also neglecting all who read our blog so here's just a short update.
Two weekends ago, we had Colton's third birthday party. That's right, I said 3!!!!! When they say, "they grow up so fast" they really mean "they grow up TOO fast." When did my baby become a little boy?!?!?! Feels like he was just born the other day on Mother's day, May 13th 2007. Did I miss something? (Hence the letting go of the computer.....don't want to miss something.) I once again, felt teary-eyed as I watched him blow out his candles like a pro.....like he's been doing this forever and thought to myself "will I ever get use to this?" Will I ever get use to that harsh reality that we gotta let our kids grow up? But for now, absolutely not. I'm still going to cradle him in my arms, smother him with too many kisses, spread the news on his newest accomplishments, sing him to bed, dry his tears for him, tickle his toes, and carry my first born around in my heart until he's 85.
I didn't know being a mom would be this emotionally difficult. I didn't know each day would leave a little aching burn in my heart knowing that they're growing up. I mean my word, Randall and I are already preparing for the agony of an empty-nest (I know, a little premature). But I definitely don't want to be caught off guard.
And yesterday we went over to my Uncle Cecil's ranch for my Gaige's 4th birthday party. And once again, I had that weird tingling in my chest. Chase was running on the slip-and-slide like a champ, with his board shorts on, shirt off, and his scars shining in all their glory. And you know the only thing I could think of was how "normal" he was. When did he get strong enough and big enough to play with the big kids in the spraying water?? Better yet, when did he get too big to need his momma anymore?? He was running around smiling, laughing at the older kids as they threw water balloons at each other. And my eyes kept creeping back to his scars....like I can't let it go. Which I don't see why not, he's obviously let it go. But I think it was more pride this time. Not fear that something might happen and I'd have to come to his rescue, but just pure, bone-chilling pride in my strong, STRONG son. And once again, I could feel the water building up behind my eyelids, except it was really hard to control this time. I don't think I'm ever going to get us to this. I think I'm just going to have to ask my kids to get use to mommy's crying because it's just going to happen whether they like it or not.
That and I couldn't let everyone else see me cry. I mean, it was a Howell gathering!!! I never would have lived that one down. My "big brother" (which is the best way I can describe him) Brett would have gotten all over me if I started crying. But the worst part would have been when he would give me that reassuring hug later on when nobody was looking like he has done on numerous occassions, cause that's just what he does. That's what really would have gotten me. I would have needed a paper sack then. How thankful I am for so many of those times when he held me up. Hence "big brother." Hopefully he won't read this or I'll be in big trouble for sharing with the world his softer side :)!
I am one "blessed beyond all measure" girl. So for now I'm going to bid you all farewell until the next time I'll steal some time to be on the computer. But don't hold your breath. I have to go play with some very grown up boys!!!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
My Mom
Today I want to talk about my mom for mother's day. Yes, I have a bazillion things I could say about being a mommy myself. Like the fact that people were telling me "Happy Mother's Day"......me. And every time I heard those words I got warm fuzzies. Because I'm a mommy. A Mommy!!!!!!! A position I knew I wanted my entire life, and just the fact that that moment is now.....it's overwhelmingly good.
But today at church we had the opportunity to stand up and give a testimony about our moms. Of course I wanted to. But Uncle Cecil was the first to get up, and as soon as he started talking I got that choking feeling in my throat and felt the tears building up in my eyes. There is no way I'd get through five words without sobbing hysterically. So instead, I sat there and listened to all the nice things people had to say about moms (including my Daddy who said something about Nana, momma, and me and how proud he is of me as a mommy.......big tears.....huge). And yet, I have a huge library of things that should be said to my momma. So I'll try to sum it up in as little time as possible.
My mom is literally half of my being. I know so much of me and who I am was formed by her. For example: she was the one who nicknamed me her "uniquey" in high school. A nickname given because she believed I was unique. I didn't conform to the crowd. I was my own person. And she enjoyed the unique person (well, most of the time. I was a holy-terror in high school). But little did she know that the nickname she gave me was just what I needed. You see, back then, I felt lost in the crowd. Trying to find my place, as probably every high-schooler does. But my momma was letting me know that I didn't have to fit in to a certain "type." I was my own and it was perfectly fine and she loved the "unique" me. I'm pretty sure from then on, I no longer felt the need to fit in. In fact, I thrived on NOT fitting in. And I've been the same ever since.
She's the mom who would stop doing what she was doing because I needed her to wash an outfit for the next day. Either to have that perfect outfit to impress that boy in school or to have a clean uniform for my soccer game. She's the one who went to all my games. She's the one who quit her job because I didn't like daycare. She's the one who cooked liver and onions for me because I had become anemic. She's the one who hid behind the branch saying "get her Heather" when a girl was trying to start a fight with me (No lie). She's the one who stitched beads onto my prom dress, one by one, because I wanted more beads. She's the one who took me to whatever practice it was....soccer, cheerleading, dance, basketball, 4-H, piano, voice lessons, or whatever I was sportin' at the time.
She's the one who listened to all the stories where I thought I was in love. She's the one who sent me little messages of encouragement in college because she knew I was having a hard time. She's the one who stood beside me as my matron of honor in my wedding. She's the one who scraped daddy and me up off the floor after Sherri's death, dried our tears, and helped us to move on when really, we should have done it for her. She's the one who came up and stayed with me during my divorce. She's the one who refused to be in the delivery room when Colton was born. But at the last minute she couldn't help herself and came in and put cold cloths on my forehead while I was pushing (even though I ended up throwing one across the room). She was there every second, silently, when we heard we would lose Chase. She was there when God gave us our miracle......sobbing and cheering! She is the one who dropped everything and moved to St. Petersburg because she didn't want me to be alone when we took Chase out of the hospital. Even though I thought I could do it alone, there's no way I could have made it one day without her.
She's that small voice in the back of my mind guiding me in every decision I make. She's that part in me that strives to push just a little harder to be a better mom. She's the example of a wife for me, because she has loved the same man pretty much her entire life. She's my example of a God-fearing woman.
She's the epitome of strength. She's lost so many people she's loved including her mother, her brother, and her own daughter, and yet she still breathes. I can sometimes see her inner struggle and pain and I just want to hold her and carry that pain for her. All those times she's held me up, I wish to do the same for her, if just once.
I would catch a glimpse of my mom every now and then today and just watched her. I watched silently but wanted to yell out thank you's for EVERYTHING.....and there's a lot. A few times I fought back tears. That's my mom.......how lucky am I??? I have a SUPERMOM(as in superhero)!!!!!
Mom you're the best. I love you. Thank you will never be enough.
But today at church we had the opportunity to stand up and give a testimony about our moms. Of course I wanted to. But Uncle Cecil was the first to get up, and as soon as he started talking I got that choking feeling in my throat and felt the tears building up in my eyes. There is no way I'd get through five words without sobbing hysterically. So instead, I sat there and listened to all the nice things people had to say about moms (including my Daddy who said something about Nana, momma, and me and how proud he is of me as a mommy.......big tears.....huge). And yet, I have a huge library of things that should be said to my momma. So I'll try to sum it up in as little time as possible.
My mom is literally half of my being. I know so much of me and who I am was formed by her. For example: she was the one who nicknamed me her "uniquey" in high school. A nickname given because she believed I was unique. I didn't conform to the crowd. I was my own person. And she enjoyed the unique person (well, most of the time. I was a holy-terror in high school). But little did she know that the nickname she gave me was just what I needed. You see, back then, I felt lost in the crowd. Trying to find my place, as probably every high-schooler does. But my momma was letting me know that I didn't have to fit in to a certain "type." I was my own and it was perfectly fine and she loved the "unique" me. I'm pretty sure from then on, I no longer felt the need to fit in. In fact, I thrived on NOT fitting in. And I've been the same ever since.
She's the mom who would stop doing what she was doing because I needed her to wash an outfit for the next day. Either to have that perfect outfit to impress that boy in school or to have a clean uniform for my soccer game. She's the one who went to all my games. She's the one who quit her job because I didn't like daycare. She's the one who cooked liver and onions for me because I had become anemic. She's the one who hid behind the branch saying "get her Heather" when a girl was trying to start a fight with me (No lie). She's the one who stitched beads onto my prom dress, one by one, because I wanted more beads. She's the one who took me to whatever practice it was....soccer, cheerleading, dance, basketball, 4-H, piano, voice lessons, or whatever I was sportin' at the time.
She's the one who listened to all the stories where I thought I was in love. She's the one who sent me little messages of encouragement in college because she knew I was having a hard time. She's the one who stood beside me as my matron of honor in my wedding. She's the one who scraped daddy and me up off the floor after Sherri's death, dried our tears, and helped us to move on when really, we should have done it for her. She's the one who came up and stayed with me during my divorce. She's the one who refused to be in the delivery room when Colton was born. But at the last minute she couldn't help herself and came in and put cold cloths on my forehead while I was pushing (even though I ended up throwing one across the room). She was there every second, silently, when we heard we would lose Chase. She was there when God gave us our miracle......sobbing and cheering! She is the one who dropped everything and moved to St. Petersburg because she didn't want me to be alone when we took Chase out of the hospital. Even though I thought I could do it alone, there's no way I could have made it one day without her.
She's that small voice in the back of my mind guiding me in every decision I make. She's that part in me that strives to push just a little harder to be a better mom. She's the example of a wife for me, because she has loved the same man pretty much her entire life. She's my example of a God-fearing woman.
She's the epitome of strength. She's lost so many people she's loved including her mother, her brother, and her own daughter, and yet she still breathes. I can sometimes see her inner struggle and pain and I just want to hold her and carry that pain for her. All those times she's held me up, I wish to do the same for her, if just once.
I would catch a glimpse of my mom every now and then today and just watched her. I watched silently but wanted to yell out thank you's for EVERYTHING.....and there's a lot. A few times I fought back tears. That's my mom.......how lucky am I??? I have a SUPERMOM(as in superhero)!!!!!
Mom you're the best. I love you. Thank you will never be enough.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
A trip to NCH
Thursday I was having severe, what felt like, cramping off and on all day. At first I was just hoping it would stop. but by 8:00 pm I called my doctor's "emerency overnight" phone number and they urged me to go to the nearest ER.....immediately. I panicked at first.....naturally.
So I waited 20 minutes for my husband to get home and we headed over. They took me back within 20 minutes (shortest ER wait we've ever had, and we've had plenty!!!) They stuck me with an IV, drew blood, did an ultrasound, and then a pelvic exam. The ultrasound showed that our little beetlebug is just fine. Her growth is right on track at 14 weeks and her heartbeat was 156. Bloodwork and pelvic exam were all fine. So what is the problem??
Conclusion: I must have some pulled muscles or ligaments in my side. I have another OB appointment this week so I'm hoping she'll be able to help out some more. I still have occasional pains in my side, mostly when I stand up from sitting down, but nothing like on Thursday. But best news of all, Beetlebug is fine. And right now, that' s all that matters!
On a side note:
I decided to look up all the sexual offenders within 5 miles of our new house. I am not too thrilled with the results. Who knew there were so many. I just have one comment about this: I have a gun, and I'm not afraid to use it. Let that be an official warning!
I urge all you other moms to look up this information, too, if you haven't already. It's free. It gives you their address and a picture of them so you know what they look like. I've never had to worry about this before......living out here in the woods kind of separates us from civilization. And to be honest, after this, moving to town doesn't look to appealing.
So I waited 20 minutes for my husband to get home and we headed over. They took me back within 20 minutes (shortest ER wait we've ever had, and we've had plenty!!!) They stuck me with an IV, drew blood, did an ultrasound, and then a pelvic exam. The ultrasound showed that our little beetlebug is just fine. Her growth is right on track at 14 weeks and her heartbeat was 156. Bloodwork and pelvic exam were all fine. So what is the problem??
Conclusion: I must have some pulled muscles or ligaments in my side. I have another OB appointment this week so I'm hoping she'll be able to help out some more. I still have occasional pains in my side, mostly when I stand up from sitting down, but nothing like on Thursday. But best news of all, Beetlebug is fine. And right now, that' s all that matters!
On a side note:
I decided to look up all the sexual offenders within 5 miles of our new house. I am not too thrilled with the results. Who knew there were so many. I just have one comment about this: I have a gun, and I'm not afraid to use it. Let that be an official warning!
I urge all you other moms to look up this information, too, if you haven't already. It's free. It gives you their address and a picture of them so you know what they look like. I've never had to worry about this before......living out here in the woods kind of separates us from civilization. And to be honest, after this, moving to town doesn't look to appealing.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Rolie-Polie Beetlebug and the Wonderful World of Disney!
It has officially begun...that time during pregnancy where you start to feel your little rolling around and yet no one else gets to feel it. Time and bonding that only her and I get to share. Sometimes I just sit here and talk to her, trying to get her to wiggle just for mommy. She's found her own special place to the right of my belly button where she does all of her tumbling. I love this "just us" time, but it's also making me very anxious to meet her.
Beetlebug, Colton, Chase, Daddy, and I spent four splendid days at Disney this past weekend. Well, Daddy was there for two. The other two he had to go to a conference. So yes, I braved the crazy world of Disney, just me and my two boys. You know what??? It was great. I have some pretty spectacular kids. Granted, I had some help from family and friends (thanks Brett, Candice, Denise, and John!)on Saturday while at Magic Kingdom. But they had kids of their own they had to look after so I tried not to bother them too much. But much help wasn't needed....the boys were, for the most part, wonderful.
But Tuesday really was just me and the boys. We ventured over to Downtown Disney to waste a few hours while Daddy was in class. You wouldn't believe the crazy looks I got from people....like they've never seen a mom alone with her two kids at Disney, and pregnant again at that!!! I even had the courage to go to a restaurant to have a sit-down meal with my boys at T-Rex (think Rainforest Cafe, but with dinosaurs) and the lady at the table next to me kept looking over impatiently, just waiting for disaster to happen. But you know what? My boys sat there quietly, ate their food, let me eat, and we were out of there before she was even done with her meal. In the meantime, her little toddler decided to throw a fit. Take that "mean mommy!" I was one very proud momma!!! So of course, the boys were treated to some Disney "stuff" for it!!
I have found a new-found respect for single moms. They shouldn't be called single moms.....they should be called Super Moms!!! And that is what I will officially call them from now on!!!! You go girls!!!!
(Disney pics to come soon!)
Beetlebug, Colton, Chase, Daddy, and I spent four splendid days at Disney this past weekend. Well, Daddy was there for two. The other two he had to go to a conference. So yes, I braved the crazy world of Disney, just me and my two boys. You know what??? It was great. I have some pretty spectacular kids. Granted, I had some help from family and friends (thanks Brett, Candice, Denise, and John!)on Saturday while at Magic Kingdom. But they had kids of their own they had to look after so I tried not to bother them too much. But much help wasn't needed....the boys were, for the most part, wonderful.
But Tuesday really was just me and the boys. We ventured over to Downtown Disney to waste a few hours while Daddy was in class. You wouldn't believe the crazy looks I got from people....like they've never seen a mom alone with her two kids at Disney, and pregnant again at that!!! I even had the courage to go to a restaurant to have a sit-down meal with my boys at T-Rex (think Rainforest Cafe, but with dinosaurs) and the lady at the table next to me kept looking over impatiently, just waiting for disaster to happen. But you know what? My boys sat there quietly, ate their food, let me eat, and we were out of there before she was even done with her meal. In the meantime, her little toddler decided to throw a fit. Take that "mean mommy!" I was one very proud momma!!! So of course, the boys were treated to some Disney "stuff" for it!!
I have found a new-found respect for single moms. They shouldn't be called single moms.....they should be called Super Moms!!! And that is what I will officially call them from now on!!!! You go girls!!!!
(Disney pics to come soon!)
Monday, April 26, 2010
New nickname, new books,new.....
So I went to the doc about a week and a half ago, just expecting a check up....some questions, maybe some blood drawn, chart my weight gain (which is through the roof. I must've set some type of record!!!!), and they would send me on my way. But no, I had a nice surprise. And even though I was alone and had no videotape to record this special surprise, it was still fantastic! (Although I shed a few tears because my sweet husband wasn't there to see it). The doc took another sonogram to see the baby's heartbeat (which was a healthy 160 by the way!). I was more shocked than happy because I hated Randall not being there. He's never missed a baby doctor visit, and he had to miss this one. But as soon as the picture came up on the computer monitor, all woes went away. She was HUGE!!!!! WAY bigger than last month (maybe the explanation of the weight gain??? No??? Well, I thought I'd try!). And man was she putting on a show. Her arms and legs were just a-going everywhere! And this is how our little got her nickname!! The Doctor, Dr. Clemens, is actually the one who nicknamed our baby this time. She told me she looked like a little beetle stuck on it's back with it's legs and arms flailing in the air. So there you have it........Beetlebug!!!!!!
(And just so you know, we don't know if it's a boy or a girl.....it's just one of those feelings....and we've been praying for some pink!!)
As for the new books (you're gonna have to bear with me for a minute.....this might be a little mushy!)
My dear sweet "big sister" friend, Sloppy Jo, came out to visit us last week with her little Miah Jane. And putting Jo and I together is like an open invitation to open the flood gates. I can't speak for Jo, but for me, she's a "comfy place" where I can talk openly about my sister,Sherri.....she always has been. I just hope I can play the same role for her.....because I love my Sloppy Jo lots!!!!
Well during our talks she reminded me of the note I wrote to my sister after her accident. I promised her that I would do all the things she didn't get to do, and that Sherri will always be my pink and I'll always be her purple. Of course, Jo got it right away. Others would have to understand Sherri and I's relationship to get it. Well, Jo brought up the pink and purple "thing" and I realized I hadn't thought about it in a while. I haven't forgot, don't get me wrong. But I'll tell you what I have been thinking about lately when it comes to Sherri.....
Lately I've been upset. So upset that she's not here for all this. Because I really could have used her during everything. She was always the comic relief....the one who could make you laugh even when you whole-heartedly didn't want to. I can't believe my kids don't get to meet her in this life. I hate that she didn't get to "play aunt" because she would have been sooooo good at it!!! Seriously, she'd win competitions if they had any. They can't beg to go to Aunt Sherri's house. She can't spoil them with gifts-galore!! (Another one of her many, thoughtful talents). All those things that some take for granted, I don't get to share with my "pink" other-half.
Anyways, so a few days after Jo's visit I took one of my many trips to Target. While I was strolling through the childrens' books section I spotted them. Two books: One called "Pinkalicious" and the other "Purplicious." And get this, the authors and creators are SISTERS!!!!! I didn't even bother browsing through them, I just threw them in the cart, in fear that a cry-fest might occur. I was anxious with excitement to get them home to read. And yes, a cry-fest did occur. I'm not sure if we can get signs from those who have gone on before us, but I do believe God sends us signs all the time. Maybe he was relaying the message on to me for my sister. Like she wanted to tell me that she's still here and she is still a part of it all, just from a distance. So my kids don't just have an aunt, they have an Auntie Angel!!! And here's the lines from the book that tells me why: (remember, I'm purple and Sherri's pink.)
" "Pink is perfect," she answered. "Watch this and you'll see why...." She mixed the pink paint into the blue, and the frosting turned purple. "Pink is powerful," she said. "Look, it turned blue into purple."
Dearest Perfect Pink,
Thank you for so many times turning my blues into purple. Me would never be me without you!
I miss you somethin' awful, but will see you soon. Until then, try not to laugh at all my "goofs!" (I know you are, I can feel it!) I love you long time, and forever.
Purple
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Exhaustion
I know my best friend Mina has experienced this, but does anyone else become completely exhausted during their first trimester?? I'm pretty sure I could sleep 24 hrs. a day and still be tired right now. My poor boys are probably so bored. Thank goodness they have a daddy who plays endlessly with them.
Another thing. I, all of a sudden, have a HUGE interest in cooking.....like watching the food network, downloading new recipes, and trying them out, kind of an interest!!! Those of you who know me, well, cooking is not my thing. I love cooking for special occasions, but everyday??? Not so much. Maybe it's because all I want to do right now is eat :)~
I'm also feeling an urgency to write Chase's book. Maybe it's God tugging at me to get it done, but I feel like it needs to be done. But here's the thing, how do you start it??? I mean, having writer's block at the very start of the book can't be good, right? So if anyone has ANY advice, I'm all ears!!!!
FYI: our next doc's appt. is next Wednesday!
Another thing. I, all of a sudden, have a HUGE interest in cooking.....like watching the food network, downloading new recipes, and trying them out, kind of an interest!!! Those of you who know me, well, cooking is not my thing. I love cooking for special occasions, but everyday??? Not so much. Maybe it's because all I want to do right now is eat :)~
I'm also feeling an urgency to write Chase's book. Maybe it's God tugging at me to get it done, but I feel like it needs to be done. But here's the thing, how do you start it??? I mean, having writer's block at the very start of the book can't be good, right? So if anyone has ANY advice, I'm all ears!!!!
FYI: our next doc's appt. is next Wednesday!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
